Hovering above a hundred

Come on scale.  Just do it.  Please?  Please just tell me exactly what I need to hear today.

This is my prayer to the Gods of the Scale.  Each morning, I pull my scale out from beneath my bathroom sink, set it on that special spot on the floor, and speak some iteration of this prayer.  Then I gingerly put my bare toes on the scale and take a breath as the scale decides my fate.  It jumps around between multiple weights within about a 10 lb range before it settles.  When it is calculating, I watch it go too high and grit my teeth, then relax when it jumps lower than what I know my weight to be, and then am left to deal with the aftermath when it gives its verdict.

Something I haven’t written about much formally yet is the frustratingly non-linear nature of losing weight.  At the beginning of all of this, the changes I made to my diet shocked my body into losing weight.  It wasn’t easy to make the changes, but the weight came off easily once I did.  It just flew off my body.  I wrote about how it was a secret formula.  If you eat calorie amount X, then Y happens, where Y equals weight loss.  It was beautiful, in that perfect way that beautifully correlated data always is.

I have always found math to be a beautiful, calming thing, even though I am not great at it.  I went to college for music, and in the vocal music world, everything is subjective and very much individual.  In a competition, one judge might rank you as the top performer of the day, another might rank you at #20.  You are always, constantly in pursuit of this impossible-to-define SOMETHING that seems to be just further than wherever you are now.

This is why I say math and perfectly correlated data is beautiful.  It is so black and white.  X happens, and then in turn Y happens and it is just that simple.  There is an answer, and it is either right or wrong.  I thought, foolishly, that weight loss was like that.

But I have learned that weight loss is NOT like that.  It’s the other way.  It is that carrot at the end of the stick that is always just further than wherever you are now, endlessly elusive.  I sometimes feel like no matter what hurdles I jump, what mountains I climb, what habits I ingrain, and what victories I can call my own, that it is just never enough – It’s never quite fast enough, linear enough, or correlated enough.

 

But I had learned to live with all of that through my past stumbles.

 

My fascination, and even at times the obsession, with the scale has been documented here.  It’s what led to The Bad Decision, which I absolutely will not give a repeat performance of.  That episode had caused me to really step back and take the scale with a grain of sodium-free salt.  That is old news.  I went from weighing in daily to weighing in on a lark here and there.  And it worked.  For awhile.

And it has still come off.  If I look at my “month in review” stats, I am still losing exactly the amount I should be: 6-10 lbs per month.  I know this.

But the problem is that if you look at the day to day stats, you beat yourself up over the unexplained gains, the water retention due to sodium, due to your period, due to sore muscles, due to the phase of the moon, due to the way that cat looked at you yesterday.  The scale, on a daily basis, basically spews nonsense that just didn’t, well, correlate.

 

None of this is new.

 

So here you are, thinking “Hey dipshit, stop weighing in daily.  Problem solved.”  I know.  I KNOW.

The problem is that I am hovering above 100.  To be clear, that means that I am SO CLOSE to the 100 lbs lost mark it is almost painful.

 

I have felt like my weight loss has been at an absolute crawl since I went below the 250 lb mark.  (My starting weight was 340.)  “WOW!  Less than 10 lbs to that 100 mark!”  I thought excitedly.  Realistically I told myself that if I was losing a safe 2 lbs a week, 9 lbs would still be more than a month away.

 

But do I listen to myself?  Of course not.

 

So every morning, I step on my scale, and hope that today will be the day the Gods of the Scale determine that I have been worthy of the hard-fought triple digit loss.  Maybe today.  Maybe today.  

 

It jumps.  It fluctuates.  It teases.  It giveth and it taketh.

 

And I wait.  I persist.  I stick to my habits and hope for the best, and try to maintain my sanity while doing so.

One of these days, I’ll be able to post that milestone.  But for today, I say the same thing that I have sighed while cold and usually naked on my bathroom scale every morning for weeks:  Not yet.  Not today.

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